Establishing and Maintaining Boundaries
Thematically, the concept of boundaries has been front and center in discussion with clients and casual conversation with friends. The desire for boundaries can originate from the feeling of being overwhelmed and bombarded without being able to triage and filter everything that is coming at you whether it is life, work, or the constant thought machine inside our heads.
What is a boundary?
Before diving in too far, lets establish a definition for “boundaries”. Brene Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher, often describes boundaries as “what’s okay and what’s not okay”. I find the simplicity of this definition delightful as well as setting the stage that boundaries do not have to be presented in a negative fashion. The concept of having boundaries is not to box yourself in. It is to create space to ensure you have room to, most importantly, take care of yourself as well as the things that matter most whether that be family, career, volunteerism, etc.
People often seek out to set boundaries because they feel there is something out of balance, missing, or a goal that they cannot seem to be able to ever get around to working on.
When and How to Create Boundaries
If your boundary creation has been fueled by reacting to your environment and drawing adhoc boundaries here and there, it can become chaotic and hard to figure out where there is conflict between “lines”. “Here’s a line.” “Oh, here’s another line...” With adhoc boundary creation, you can easily create a maze. Creating boundaries in a “I’m not going there” and “I don’t want that” fashion, while it can be momentarily satisfying to say out loud, does not hold up in the long run.
In order to prevent creating a maze, work to create and establish boundaries to help get you where you want to go.
Define Your Direction
Boundaries need to be in line with your vision, goals, and values. I chose the word “establish” because you are not erecting walls. Boundaries may change over time, either as you refine what is healthy and realistic or your overall direction shifts and changes. In this sense, a boundary is less like a wall and more of a foundation.
Lots of people talk about time management. Everyone wants to manage their time better. However, it is less about managing your time more about managing your energy. If you can get your energy flowing in one direction instead of radiating out 360 degrees like the sun, you can use it more effectively to build critical momentum and move the needle on what matters most. Vision and boundaries are essential in determining that direction.
Some examples of healthy boundaries to reach those goals and live within your values may include:
leaving work on time (even if there is a caveat of “most days”)
saying no to meetings during your lunch hour to allow yourself a peaceful lunch or a walk outside to recharge and be at your best for what the afternoon has in store
starting and stopping meetings on time
addressing individual or team behavior in a timely manner
not allowing your colleague/boss to speak to you in that manner/with that tone
saying no to an additional assignment that you think may put you in your boss’s good favor
Maintaining Boundaries
I am sure you can get behind more than one of these, but what makes these easier said than done? Worries about disappointing your boss, concerns about a junior person making a mistake in your absence, not having enough time, telling yourself it is quieter at home or afterhours, rationalizing that everyone else takes calls at off hours… I am certain you can build a mountain of them. And for as many of them as you can create, there are different strategies to hold them.
Depending on your situation, establishing a boundary can be, well, scary because you do not know how people will react and then you are potentially placed in a position of being a broken record which may mean feeling uncomfortable - repeatedly. At times it may be necessary to provide an explanation along with your boundary, though I will offer you that “no” can be a complete sentence. When you say “no” to one thing, you are saying “yes” to something else - hopefully this is you.
Many of these are based in fears or something happening or not happening that may possibly create MORE work later or that mountain of email that will be waiting for you when you get back. It is that fear of that consequence that can keep you thinking these types of boundaries, while they may be beneficial, are merely pipe dreams. I will challenge you in asking you if living with that fear or concerns about “consequences” is worth sacrificing the other positive work culture, healthy habits, and enriching activities and relationships that are being traded.
By connecting to boundaries established to protect your energy, you know that by holding to them, you will be better positioned to make impactful and measurable progress on what the most important priority. Protecting your energy is not selfish, it is essential to take intentional action.
Building Boundary Momentum
One mistake easily made is trying to set too many boundaries at once. You come up with a list of new boundaries that you now feel you need to “enforce”. And if you don’t uphold one of them, it can create a spiral of judgement and impact the success of the others you have identified. Start small. Pick one. What is the most important thing you need to say no to so that you can say yes to you and your goals?
Write it down. Put it where you can see it whether it is a sticky note on your bathroom mirror or computer monitor, in your planner, or on your steering wheel.
Commit to one, gain some momentum, feel the change, and then pick another.
