Stop “Shoulding” on Your Self

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Admittedly I have not posted regularly lately.  Summer wrapping up, back to school, things have been busy.  I told myself I would get back down to business in September and focus now that there is more of a routine with back to school.  A great plan quickly shattered when I found myself vomiting from pain in the emergency waiting room the last Friday in August.  My impatience of waiting hours to be seen, being in significant pain yet knowing I was likely not on my deathbed, the thoughts of how my grand plan for focusing was in jeopardy, and dreading making a call to friends that I was going to have to back out of an important commitment the following day was a lot to process.

I'm happy to say that once seen, my pain was promptly addressed and it was quickly diagnosed as appendicitis.  Later that night, I was appendix free and sent home the following morning.  I have been an amazing patient and taking it easy, which is not in my nature.  The first three days went well, however, on the fourth day being a "good patient" was growing more difficult.  I became restless at all of the non-physical things that needed to be done that I thought I "should" have been capable of doing, after all, I have a "desk job".

The gratitude I had on the day I came home about my appendix being one and done versus a chronic illness, how many books I was going to get caught up on, etc. had begun to fade.  I resisted and resented not being at full capacity yet.  I was getting tired of delegating easy stuff.  I was concerned about wearing out my support asking for anything that was beyond simple.

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There is a Buddhist equation: Suffering = Pain X Resistance.  The concept that our suffering is proportional to our resistance to the pain that we are experiencing.  Pain is inevitable whether it be physical or mental.  How we relate to it determines our level of suffering.

When I was physically ill from the appendix pain, I probably added to my suffering with the added frustration of having to wait.  Pain like I have never before experienced, a true "10", greater than my compound fracture of my right forearm, greater than natural childbirth.  My gratitude for fixing the source of the pain dropped all resistance in those first few days even though there was still physical pain.  I had zero complaints.  Then, I started resisting the reality of my situation in that I wanted to be mentally productive but still needed to rest. 

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Resistance is the grasping, aversion, striving, longing for the present to be different from what it is in the moment.  Resistance is the rocks in the rapids. Rocks impede the trajectory of the water and slow it down. From an engineering perspective, resistance generates heat - a loss of energy.

There is a myth that if you meditate and accept the present moment that you will lose your edge and be a pushover.  Accepting that there is little to nothing that may be able to be done this instant to change reality is how to drop resistance.  Have dreams, goals, intentions.  Push yourself.  Embrace continuous improvement!  AND understand that you are not going to have it at this moment and you will need rest, too, on your journey.  Societally, we want things now.  We have the world at our fingertips online, on demand video and music streaming, two-day shipping, even same day shipping.  We know what we want and we don't want to wait.

One way to recognize resistance is the word "should".  Should is resistance in disguise.  When you say you "should" do something, it indicates that you are not motivated to do it.  Should indicates an obligation without desire.  When I work with clients, I don't let them "should" all over themselves.  A client came up with a great idea that he was really excited about.  When reviewing takeaways and action items, he said, “I should go get materials to be ready to implement the idea” in a slightly less enthusiastic tone than when it first came up.  I challenged him and asked him to repeat it saying that he wanted to be prepared.  He was surprised at the change in energy he felt because he was truly excited about his idea.

Where are you creating resistance and "should-ing"?  Should you delegate something?  Perhaps you want to but there is something deeper holding you back.  I knew I should delegate while I recuperated but was worried about how others would react to my asking, frustrated that I couldn't do it myself...  I could have written an essay with all of the thoughts in my head. 

Another great resistance example is when you say, "I should lose 10 pounds". It's a different dialogue if you start out by saying, "I want to weigh XXX lbs".  The latter statement doesn't have the baggage of resistance and opens the conversation of how to get there.

This week, watch how often you say should -inside your head or aloud.  Keep count!  Send me a note how many times you noticed it.  "But" is another poison word to be on the lookout for.  Where else do you feel resistance when looking at your email, your to-do list?  What words are you using in those moments?  Is the task the issue or your feeling surrounding it?

Imagine having a portion of that energy and brain capacity back to focus on the task at hand.  How would that fuel forward momentum to achieve your goals? Coaching is one way to get to the heart of the shoulds that put a governor on your progress, success, and fulfillment.

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Vacation Roller Coaster