Listening IS an Action

Listening is an underutilized leadership tool.  How could something so simple be underutilized, you ask?  Because it doesn't feel productive.  And if you have an agenda you're trying to move forward, fires to fight, and feel like it’s taking time away from working on your to-do list…  Whether you believe it or not listening is an action and it's essential for building relationships - one conversation at a time. 

Do you know how to listen?  I mean REALLY listen.  I'm not talking about just keeping your mouth closed.  I'm talking about ears open, no technology distractions, no multitasking, no thinking about how you're going to respond to what has been shared…

Two years ago I attended a Mindfulness Based Self Compassion workshop led by Kristen Neff and Christopher Germer hosted by the Ann Arbor Center for Mindfulness that was life changing.  We did an activity where each of us wrote about something in the past that was difficult in our lives that has now been resolved.  Then we were placed in groups of three and instructed to go each share our stories with the others.  The rules were that as an audience member, we were not allowed to talk, interject, or interrupt.  Only listen. 

I had two major take-a-ways. First, even though we had very different backgrounds and stories, we each deeply related and empathized with the others stories.  The second was how difficult it was for me to just sit there.  I literally felt the desire to move toward the person when I felt connection with their story, I wanted to hug them, share how I have had related experiences.  My intense desire to connect impacted my ability to truly listen as I thought about all that I wanted to share with them.  I must also add it was beautiful to be allowed to share my story knowing that I had the floor and there would not be interruptions.  I felt hear and connected without anyone saying a thing.

I share this story and ask you to reflect on your listening as a leader, partner, or parent - all of which are about relationships - how does the desire to help, connect, fix, and solve actually backfire? 

There are two "channels" that people operate on: facts/data and emotions/feelings.  Engineers are problem solvers. Rational with a capital “R”.  Engineers exist to remove systemic risk/vulnerability from designs and processes.  The is fact and data driven orientation often ignores the human element and can jeopardize relationships.  Diving directly into "Okay, so how do we move forward? What are the next steps?" is not always the best first step or the most important conversation to be had in the moment.

You don't have to become a therapist or sit there while someone drones about something for twenty minutes.  And I'm sorry to say that there is no magic formula or flowchart around how to navigate these moments.  You're busy, you have things to do, and listening and creating space for people to share their thoughts may not feel productive and get in the way of items on your to do list.  In every interaction you have an opportunity to connect.  You're asking, "so how do I do that?" How about an experiment?

One simple thing to try is allow a pause after you think someone has finished talking.  So often we are busy preparing what our response is going to be before the other person has finished sharing.  Allow a moment to pass and process what they have said.  Take a full breath before you respond.  In this experiment in a group setting, you may notice how quickly others jump into respond. Take a moment to reflect on places where this could have benefitted you and make a commitment to put it into practice and see what happens.